Uncensored: the story behind the book release
Am I happy to have my perspective and experience finally validated in a librarian's favorite way--a book? Of course. Does it make me anxious? Of course. But the source of fear isn't where you'd think it's from. I have a habit of speaking my truth, regardless if it's documented or tolerated. I see it as only I can. I bring my whole self to everything I touch. It's a matter of fingerprints literally and figuratively.
Within the book, I recount my darkest days as a school librarian from 2020-2022 in the hotspot for book bans: deep in the heart of Texas, my home state. I discussed how my tenure as a head librarian at private educational institution led to nightmares, self-censorship and preservation as well as a battle for my career. Here's an excerpt:
"It's quite alarming that almost none of the advocates speaking out about censorship are from the Black and Brown communities, which contributes to the 'white savior complex' that a skewed media portrays. News reporters are not seeking out the very people whose literature is being discussed and banned, which also fuels the side in favor of censorship because it's a lot of White Americans debating over what's read and written for cultures they don't have any point of reference to evaluate. Students and teachers who may feel most directly attacked and endangered by today's book challenges are those whose outlooks and experiences have also been the least solicited." -Jean, Texas
It's hard to believe that was six years ago. The invisible pain from that part of my life, still bleeds as an open wound now. I overcame that tribulation, under the same cesspool administration as now. This time around instead of being censored by a right-wing administration, I found myself censored as a library administrator working in an environment totally unsupportive of library leadership but available for every photo-op to promote literacy because "Jean, optics matter." Optics matter...like when the Inquirer welcomed me and y'all got mad or dare I say jealous? Those kind of optics? Because the over 100 emails from citizens within one the largest cities were thrilled. Did those "optics matter?" What about the concern for these optics:
Optics matter, unless an executive order cancels the IMLS grant that necessitated the hiring of a new library director and the school administration folds quicker than a bad hand in Texas Hold'em and decides to discontinue work on the grant. Optics matter until the School of Library Journal asks to interview the new library director, and is told "that she needs to concentrate on district on-boarding." Optics matter, unless the new library director asks for an updated library policies and procedures during these times of unprecendented books bans. Optics matter, unless you're a result-driven employee in a sea of "this is how we do it here," leadership with zero percent library expertise, skills or insight into perils afoot on the literary horizon. Optics matter, unless you ask for a library webpage for 24/7 updates on library literacy initiatives. Optics matter, unless the public asks for the State of Library report you know exists because you wrote it, but it isn't released because the facts make the previous choices made by administration an ugly ordeal to be held accountable towards. Optics matter, unless you ask for library budget or a thank you reception for countless volunteers (RIP, Corinne). Optics matter unless there are 5 school librarians for over 200 campuses. Optics matter, but not enough to get some glasses to see the situation for what it was/is/will be without guidance.
After feeling censored, slighted, left out of meetings, skipped in acknowledgments and placed under leadership that served more favoritism, status quo, resentment from grievances filed before hiring a new director and narrow-sighted alignment to what was truly needed, my spirit broke. I left Texas thinking that a new hope, full of leadership and opportunities awaited, just to land in an environment less off than where I was, a non-existent budget, tone-deaf gatekeepers who allowed libraries to disintegrate and folks holding the reins that didn't have a clue what to do with me--a library director with 6-months, annual and 2-years goals. The grass wasn't green. It didn't grow where I watered. The remains of grass existed, just baren and broken.
"Jean, you're moving too fast." "You just want to hit the ground running, huh?" Oh the complacency within the cubicles of that building aren't worth the missing.
The straw that broke the camel's back: when I informed them that I needed a FMLA medical leave of absence for my mental health and family and was mocked to my face by a superior. Yep. It happened. It isn't just hearsay. I have receipts on everything. I don't fear accountability.
Bravo to me for avoiding the police station located right next door. I waited for over a year to say anything. So trust me when I say that I measured my words. I took care of myself first. Then, I had to tend to my family. In addition to feeling censored at work, my homelife fractured. My father had 2 strokes. My oldest adult son decided he hated the east coast, leaving me holding an astronomical rent (as compared to the TX rent I'm used to) and my physical body, in her perimenopausal best--rebelled. I felt skinned alived. I withdrew in, went to therapy (hey Dr. Harvey) and censored myself until I felt aligned again.
True to form, I took solace in the library. Reading to escape and center myself is how I recalibrate. My local library has fantastic resources. One morning, I went in to use the digital services, make some copies, etc. While at the copy machine, another library patron became impatient waiting. She huffed, puffed and then started saying inappropriate words and displaying assertive behavior. Little did she know, she had the wrong library, librarian and leader. Before it was all said and done, she was escorted out of the library by security before the police arrived and banned from returning to that location. My local public library director expressed true gratitude that I stood my ground, reported it and helped them "get rid of her for good. She's been so abusive to all of us [meaning library employees]." I managed to get someone banned from the library and I don't take that lightly. I never thought I would ever ban a patron, but she barked at the wrong time, against a librarian known for regulating safe spaces. It's what I do. And yes, she certainly was _____.
Turning back to the book, I'm cited saying that "students are citizens. They come to the library, sometimes silent and sullen, looking for answers and discretion. We are there to help them find the books they need." My hostile library situation is a flicker of the many moments of distress librarians encounter. Our society's shell-shocked, post covid, PTSD aura brings all types of social emotional variables into the library. Every one should receive the help and necessary boundaries available to ensure a positive mindset is free to roam or poised to encounter within the community space. But library workers need protection. Please support the Library and Library Workers Bill of Rights.
I promise to always keep it real with my followers. This website now has over half a millions views (540k at posting). To those who've watched me grow, thank you for loving on me supportively.
To those who are haters, keep watching one click at a time.
To those fellow library leaders treading the waters with me, I have done just about every thing I can to advance our profession, yet I find myself still on the outside looking in to an environment I know I belong in ten-toes down.
To those suffering from mental health woes, this too shall pass, and I listen as well as I write. Plus I'm not just an advocate, I'm also a practicing mental health warrior. Uncensor yourself.
The source of my fear about this Uncensored (HEP, 2026) release is that my dreams of teaching censorship on a collegiate level to upcoming librarians may some how slip through my fingers because I don't look the part...or am too "sapphire" in the selection committees eyes. True passion rarely receives the reward. I have hella decades of experience, served on advisory boards, national committees, and as chairpersons for various associations. I've serve my truth, sharpen my tutelage, am citable, sat on panels highly sought after with my intellect. But as Black women know, we have to be 2-3 times as good as anyone else while someone still stands in our way to block our light. I've only wanted to enlighten others with my message. But for the life of me, I stay on the outskirts, cheering others on who're palatable. The ceiling lowers its limits for me. It wants my benefits, but not my burdens. It's a showdown of uncensored proportions.
National School Librarian Month begins April 1, 2026. We're celebrating 40 years. If you really want to honor a librarian, purchase Uncensored to read first hand what it was like during our trial by book ban fire. Flip to pgs 44-47 for my story or check the index for all instances of my perspective. This is the first time I can cite myself in a book and index. 😎
Comments
Post a Comment